You know, religiously speaking, Jehovah has proven himself to be a major asshole.
I'm serious. After careful consideration, it is my opinion that Jehovah is a jerk of divine magnitude who needs a celestial enema. Wars, plague, hatred, destruction. The end of the world, the murder of millions, not to mention Stephen Baldwin (God help us!)
Ree-er! Ree-er! Ree-er! Douche bag alert!
Religious types: Sure, get mad, scream and yell. Tell me I'm doomed, I'll burn in cauldrons of flame etc. etc. etc. I've heard / read / seen all this before. I get it. I'm damned. God rejects me because I haven't accepted his "true" faith into my heart.
I don't think it's that. I don't think it's because I'm a sinner or haven't accepted him or eat pork or any of that. I think its because I've figured out what a fucking jerk he is.
Why don't you ever hear Buddhists threatening holy war against the unbelievers? "You've insulted the Buddha! I'm going to dynamite myself in a crowded hospital! I'm going to open fire on an abortion clinic! I am going to flood the internet with damning videos full of scripture quotes which will bore you to death!" This doesn't happen. Buddhists are too busy being PEACEFUL to do this crap.
You don't hear about Taoists cursing the beliefs of Zen, or Jains preparing for Holy War against Gnostics.
This doesn't happen.
Radical Zoroastrian websites? No. Ultra-right wing Sikhs militias looking to overthrow the government. Maybe (I don't know a lot of Sikhs) but again I doubt it.
Wars and slavery around the world caused by Santeria, Candomble, Voodoo? ZERO.
And yes, there are radical Hindus, but comparative to their numbers, they are few and fucking far between.
So that covers with a broad stroke most of the rest of the world's religions (forgive me if I missed yours).
Now let's talk about Jehovah (Yahweh, Allah, you know who I mean). Abraham being the first jerk-off to listen to that fucking crackpot in the sky, and then ramble on about whatever the fuck he saw. This led to other mad ramblers (Moses, John the Baptist, Jesus, Mohammed. The list goes on) taking up the "And He Saith Unto Me" torch, mostly to get people to pay some coin and to keep kids from fucking around at the dinner table.
"The LORD sayeth unto me, THOU shalt consume ALL of thy VEGETABLES and SIT UP STRAIGHT!"
Now look, I have always been interested in religions. Religions are cool and yeah they're a little fucking weird. I have read the bible a grand total of three times. I've read the Koran twice and have read plenty of passages from the Torah. What I get out of it is the following:
1. Whoever wrote this crap has a problem with run on sentences.
"And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth."
2. God likes making sure humans eat, crush, kill or otherwise fuck up anything (and I mean ANYTHING) in their path:
The fear and dread of you will fall upon all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands.3 Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.
Yikes! Eat everything and everything will fear you! How many hillbillies in Arkansas have used THAT one to justify the slew of automatic rifles in their basement? "The Lord says everything will fear and dread me!"
3. And remember always, if one of your friends has second thoughts about God:
They desire that you should disbelieve as they have disbelieved, so that you might be (all) alike; therefore take not from among them friends until they fly (their homes) in Allah's way; but if they turn back, then seize them and kill them wherever you find them, and take not from among them a friend or a helper.
Whoa. That ain't friendly.
4. There's nothing in science (bah!) which religion hasn't already covered off:
The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Now what could Darwinists find wrong with that?!
I could go on quoting, but what's the point? Sure, the Christian or Muslim or Jew can name passages and scriptures up and down the street talking about mercy and compassion. But its not actually their game, is it?
From the Crusades all the way down to modern Sudan, we are talking about one fucked up proto-religion that has spawned a whole slew of angry, butcher-happy crackpots. And who's at the front: Jehovah.
Jehovah is quite possibly the cruelest, most despotic tyrant in the history of cruel, despotic tyrants. This bearded king on high has played a hand in everything from the Crusades to the Inquisition to the Turkish genocide of its religious minorities, to the Holocaust to the persecution of the Palestinians to the modern wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the genocide taking place in the Sudan. The worshipers of one of his three primary religions are by and far the most vociferously violent gaggle of blood-thirsty goons ever known, and still we are all told "ours is a religion of peace." Not with that dick in charge, you aren't.
Can you imagine living in a town where this guy was mayor?! Him all the time ordering you to do this, do that. Get him this, get him that. Force you to slaughter the next town over and rape their women and take their cattle? Always looking in your fucking window, even when you're on the can, making you feel guilty and crappy about everything you do, unless it includes killing or judging or calling his name out the window saying what a swell guy he is. This guy wouldn't get re-elected. Shit, he wouldn't even make it on to the ballet. "Hi there. I'm Yahweh. I'm running for Mayor. My platform? Absolute and total obedience from you and everyone you know. Plus eternal damnation if you fuck up in any way." Next!
Look, like most people out there, I don't give a rat's ass what religion you follow. I'm not like that Richard Dawkins imbecile. I honestly don't look down on anyone who believes what they believe. But straight up: you might want to take a step back and look at the big guy you're so busy praying to. Are you actually worshipping the universe's biggest dickhead?
Could be so.
PS: Anyone who laughed even once while reading this : see you in the cauldron.
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