But while the hordes of undead go hither and thither, aimlessly bumping into one another and weakly pawing at plate glass windows in their feeble attempts to get at the living (they can't break plate glass but are capable of punching through walls once the living begin screaming in terror. Go figure), the remaining few living people must bravely carry on the struggle for human survival. And struggle they do. Just not very well, nor with much grace, or skill, or intelligence.
Is it me, or is it only inept Darwin Award nominees who manage not to get torn limb from limb in the opening zombie salvo? Do zombies instinctively go after the smartest people first and leave the cheese heads to muddle through afterwards?
Either way, you must pass certain basic qualifications to be amongst the last bastion of humanity.
A.) You must have one of the following jobs: cop, gas station attendant, scientist, cheerleader (sooooo toast), drug dealer / pimp, hooker, priest (you have to mention the apocalypse every time you're in a scene), waitress, retired military and /or average stupid high school student. Without these, forget it. Check your brain at the door. You're soon to be devoured.
B.) You must be absolutely incapable of running faster than the average toddler, and if you're a woman, you have some sort of autonomic nervous disorder whereby you fall down a lot when you run.
C.) You must have a ridiculously over-active curiosity for dark places, alleys, abandoned warehouses and back rooms.
D.) You must have tremendously bad aim.
F.) If you're not a cop, ex-military or priest, you must have emotional fits as regularly as most people go to the bathroom. If you're a woman, you must be perpetually on the verge of loud tears.
G.) Your ability to drive a motor vehicle at anything less than top speed is inexplicably non-existent. Also, you crash a lot.
H.) You must be incapable of understanding logic when you hear it and make every decision with your "guts".
I.) You must be a god-fearing Christian. Well except the priest. He's lost his faith. He'll get it back and then get devoured.
So now how do you survive, beyond shotgunning everything that stumbled and groans, and crashing every car you can find? I think I can help.
Given the survival rate of most characters in zombie movies, perhaps some simple rules on surviving the terror and madness of the dead coming back to life are in order:
1. Don't stand by stupidly and gawk at the zombies. This seems obvious, but apparently not. How many nimwits have lost a chunk of their neck or arm because they gawked too long as the dead calmly came over and bit down on them?
2. Friends and relatives gone grey and groaning, no matter how much you loved them, are not going to respond, no matter how many times you say their name or plead with them to recognize you. To them, you're now the Friskies or Tender Vittles. Do everyone a favour and blast em.
3. Leave all major urban centers behind. Why is this not obvious? People live in cities. LOTS of people. Thus, when they die (if not devoured outright), there will be LOTS of zombies. Get a car, hit the freeway (should be pretty clear of traffic), and haul ass out of town. Head for the woods. Couple of zombie rangers are the most that'll trouble you; maybe a zombie hiker or two.
4. Here's an important one: when operating a motor vehicle, consider slowing down. Remember: you're in a car. They're zombies. They can't catch you when you're on foot. Any speed you go is a guarantee you'll leave them in the dust.
5. If you're in a car, and the undead are approaching, run them down. Don't swerve, don't dodge. RUN THEM DOWN. Car + zombie = squishy squishy. Good math.
6. Use your ammo wisely, except if you're in America. Then open fire to your heart's content. Shoot things that you already shot. Shoot things that you may have missed. Shoot things you know you may or may not have seen before in the haze of shooting and shoot them too. Someone tells you to stop shooting, shoot them.
7. Never expose your deepest secrets at night. The undead are invariably attracted to your personal moments. The second you start blubbering about your dead family or your faded dreams of being a pitcher for the yankees, crash! Zombies are coming through the windows and you're too busy wiping tears to save yourself. If you want to get all emotional about stuff, do it on the road. Hand in hand with this, if you're a guy, don't sleep with the cheerleader. Straight up. Sure she's hot; sure it's been a while, but they'll be chewing a hole in the back of your head before you can get her panties off and the last sound you'll hear in this world is her annoying screech of terror.
8. Any plan involving a "final showdown" with the zombies at an abandoned warehouse or old barn is just plain stupid. More than likely, the ex-military / cop came up with this plan, and should be dismissed without another thought. Don't listen to that guy. He's a drunk! Someone's gonna die in this "final showdown" and more than likely, it's gonna be you. You and the cheerleader.
9. If unsure, shoot it again. If there is a chance it can get back up, remove this possibility through responsible gun usage. Shoot it again. And again. And again! This can't be stressed enough. Shoot. It. Again.
10. Most important of all: if you see zombie Michael Jackson ala Thriller, run for it before he starts singing and dancing. He is to be considered a super zombie and thus too dangerous to face alone.
That's it for now.
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